I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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