I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
