Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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