My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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