He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
