dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
That reminds me...we need to get swords
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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