I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
