So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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