i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
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