I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
