I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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