He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
