Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
