I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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