oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
