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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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