Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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