Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
