you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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