oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
