I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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