1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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