We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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