Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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