my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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