I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
