3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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