No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I pour the whiskey from now on
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
