Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think my fart just growled at me.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
