I'm really into asian looking animals
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
