I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
