Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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