I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
