We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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