I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
