im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Shitshow foam night was such a success
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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