so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
This toilet bowl is my home.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
