I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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