So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
