Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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