watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
