my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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