Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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