woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
