i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
