someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
