Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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