wrigley field is MILF paradise
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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