The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
