I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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