I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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