you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
