The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
