For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I think I just shit out all my problems.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
