i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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