When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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